I want THIS!

I scheduled my surgery yesterday. I thought it was scheduled already. The date was supposed to be Dec 7th. I had a CT scan and I called in to schedule a preop. I was told the preop couldn’t be scheduled yet. Then I talked to another person about an earlier surgery date. They were going to get me in a week in November fairly early. Then I went to the hospital with a CD of the CT scan they needed. The scheduling lady basically looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was wrong about this potential earlier date.

So I was freaking out. This hospital, in my mind, clearly has a communication problem. First the surgery isn’t scheduled. Then they tell me I can get a sooner date. Then I come with a disc of my CT and they claim this never happened. The last thing I need is a doctor giving me a procedure that has been miscommunicated. I want to wake up with two kidneys. So I’m freaking out over this explaining it to my parents yesterday after it happens.

I think my dad can be a fool sometimes, but a part of me is beginning to understand the wisdom of his ways. I’ve become a really good wrestler. It takes a lot of people and a lot on your side to become a good wrestler. I always thought my father had no place in my wrestling. At least that’s how he lets it be seen. He’s never shown me a move. He has only sat in my corner for a few matches and it was when I was a kid. However, I couldn’t imagine he was nonexistent in that realm.

I fight my father a lot. I have in the past at least. But I have never fought him over wrestling. I fought him over baseball, he wanted me to play baseball but I had too much energy. But some reason, wrestling was never an issue between us, despite the fact that it is so important in my life.

Yesterday, I was freaking out over this surgery, my concerns that I can’t get this, I won’t be ready, they’ll screw up . At first my dad tried to quiet my fears. So what? They made a mistake don’t worry about it. But it’s not ok to make a mistake. Not with something this vital. Don’t mess up at all. Not if you’re a doctor. That’s an expectation I have  in their industry. It’s all working together, a mistake in communication is a crucial error. That’s why they have over ten years of  post high school education.

But then he said what I needed to hear. It’s what I’ve been hearing for decades, and it’s what I’ve been saying, in different words all along the way. He said “They’re trying to take THIS from you! The doctors are trying to stop you from wrestling! Is that what you want? Are you going to let them?”

Yes, I want this so bad. No, I will let no one take this from me. Nothing will stop me. I know what I want, I always have. My answer is always the same. Every new obstacle I encounter, I ask myself “do I want it this bad?” “Am I going to let this stop me?” My father’s words, in my mouth. This is the message I have heard over and over again, and it’s more true in wrestling than in anything else in the world. Because in wrestling I learned what it means to own something. I own that circle. I learned what it means to acquire something by nothing but my hard work because I know what I want. No one can take that from me. They can’t take what I want because I won’t let them.

THIS is what I want. Should I ask myself why? I don’t have the answer. It runs deeper than that. Something in my father’s heart, or my grandfather’s, or someone 500 years ago who once said “take what you want and make sure you want it.” It’s the burning feeling inside me that rises up when I think about losing my dreams, my visions, my hopes, my desires. Letting someone else take it from me. Never. I want it too much. I’ve wanted it bad enough to do sick things to my body. I’ve wanted it more than any amount of pain I would struggle with. I’ve wanted it more than the hurt of losing, or the time it costs, or being alone in my quest. I want what’s mine. I have worked too hard, struggled too much, sacrificed too much because I know that I want this now more than anyone ever. It won’t be taken away.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired

I’m really sick and tired of being injured. Today I went to get an arthroscopic MRI. The X-ray shows a big chunk of bone about two thirds the size of my femur head with quite a bit of width too. That alone is a reason for the incredible pain I deal with. The doctors want me to get an MRI to see if anything else is wrong with my hip besides this.

So I went to get an MRI today. The radiologist stuck a needle into my hip the depth of my bone for the arthrogram. He put fluid into it and said there was a chance my hip may not have taken it. So we tried the MRI and sure enough after the first attempts, I found out that it wasn’t good enough. So we went back to the table and did this again. Fortunately, because my hip is in so much pain on a daily basis, this felt like absolutely nothing.

The unfortunate part is far worse. Fuck pain, it means little to me compared to lost time. I went back to the MRI and again it was unsuccessful. However, since they’d already stuffed me full of dye, it wouldn’t work today. I was supposed to get an MRI and then see the specialist. Instead I am now getting the MRI on Friday and seeing the specialist Tuesday.  Eight days, eight days lost, during a vital time where I need every day to progress me. From getting surgery, to rehab, to strength and flexibility training, to conditioning, to getting in the right mindset. Every day missed exponentially reduces any chance I have.

On a ride to overtime for a camp to prepare for the 2008 Olympics, I thought seriously about my potential in 2008. (regardless of the Olympics, I had a chance to qualify for University Worlds that year – which in all honesty came down to a decision USA Wrestling made instead of a wrestle off.) The US national tournament had already passed. I had torn my UCL in it, something I was not happy about since it happened after the whistle to a sub-par wrestler. I forfeited out of the tournament. So in order to just make the Olympic team, there was one qualifying tournament left, and I had to win it. 4 or 5 matches in a row. Then I’d have to win 3 or 4 matches into the final tournament to wrestle Cormier. If I was 50/50 with all those guys including Cormier, I could expect to have less than a 1% chance. And then the Olympics also. But then I pulled myself out of it, I was thinking realistically, and realistically it’s not a game of chance. With all these things going against me, I already knew I had none. But I pushed through because it’s something in my character.

Fast forward four years. In the past two years I have had two surgeries. The first year after the Olympics I moved to the OTC after about 3 months of only partial mat time and a month off the mats. I still had elbow problems but they were healing. I had a neck injury, but it was sporadic and wouldn’t hold me out of practice long or slow down my pace. I got better that year. I finished 4th at the world team trials as a small 96kg guy with the ability to beat all the guys above me. but at the end of August I tore something in my shoulder.

Ironic that the same thing that happened today with my MRI happened with my shoulder MRI two years ago. I sat there for an hour because my shoulder wouldn’t take the dye then had to come back the next week. I tore my shoulder in August and because of the process, didn’t get surgery until October 21, happy fucking birthday. Both that MRI and that surgery hurt like a bitch. But it’s healthy now (outside of the serious scare I got at sambo nationals.) That whole year, as my shoulder was recovering, I could tell my hip was messed up. It really started kicking in after the US open.  So I got surgery in August.

Korea was a terrible idea. I need surgery. And I’m just really trying not to calculate my chances before I come up with a plan. Because if I have a chance it’s because I have a good plan and not that I make a plan because I have a good chance. I’m just tired of the uncertainty of my plans running on what works for others and what seems like the roulette of my health. It’s a fight I can’t win.

10 months

I sat down with Coach Powell today. Obviously I just wanted to see him, but he also happens to be one of the best people to get a sense of myself from. He’s a teacher and a coach, a good teacher and coach, so he helps people find themselves.

I didn’t get the job at American and it was greatly disappointing. Yes, I want to coach at a great University. Still, I can always look at other universities though. The bigger disappointment is that I was coming back to the US one month early without a job, and losing the $3000 bonus at the end of my contract. Honestly, the bonus wasn’t as big as the fact that I didn’t have a job while doing this. This’ll all be ok though. (On the other hand, I will be competing in the Sunkist and NYAC will cover my trip, so that’s a cost and a competition that I’m glad to compete in and prepare for that I otherwise couldn’t)

A small sidenote, since I seem to go on tangents all the time anyways, is that I didn’t hit 200 posts before I left Korea. I have 3 more to write. The reason is that I was incredibly busy the last three weeks. I wrote and prepared, with a lot of help, a speech in Korean about how to learn English, for my students. In it I included a lot of English, but also a lot of ideas about what it means to speak another language, what some barriers to crossing over into thinking in that language are, and some different ways to conceptualize it. I was there, in Korea, for slightly under a year – I can do more for these kids by leaving them with something for the next 10 years, then I could in that year. I only tried to keep these middle-schoolers  disciplined and on task during class time. It was impossible to do it any other way. But I can give them actual knowledge when I go if I can earn their respect in one year as a teacher. I know some listened by the way they watched me as I spoke. I even had a few classes that were silent and attentive the whole time. And I know some didn’t hear a word I said by their total disinterest. I couldn’t expect anything more or less than what I got in that last week.

So, after that long sidenote, I believe I will be looking for something in the Illinois and perhaps Midwest area. At this time, I can’t imagine who will be in my corner besides coach Powell. Illinois is the premier wrestling state for high school and even colleges are seeing success now. If I have a solid financial plan I can make a life out of it. And if I do want to get a coaching job in the future, OPRF is the place to gain experience. I am going to set up my plan this week if I can to prepare for the trials and Olympics. I didn’t go to Korea because I was done. I went because I was getting ready to be ready. And I think I’m ready to be ready, so now I just need to get ready.

Dave Schultz

Dave Schultz.

I think he’s been the most important person to influence wrestling.

Dave Schultz was shot in the head at point blank range by John DuPont. It was a murder by perhaps the richest person in the US ever to commit a crime of this nature. It was totally unprovoked. Except for one thing, Dave was good, and John was evil.  There’s no other explanation to it. It’s as simple as that.

The story of Foxcatcher farm is filled with mystery. Winning gold medals in wrestling and making a life out of it seem to be in line with drug use and swinging.  The first half of that story comes from the people who were there and the videos and newspapers and everything else left behind.  It’s obvious that Foxcatcher produced top wrestlers. The second part seems to come from someone who heard it. Everyone in the community just seems to know. Perhaps it’s because it wasn’t all that long ago. People who are close to these elite level athletics hear about it sooner or later. But, if you asked, maybe the people who were there would open up about it. I never asked that question, so this is what I’ve gathered through a vision of what I heard.

Everyone who talks about Dave Shultz talks with incredible reverence. They always seem to be incredibly honored to have known him. He’s the person to quote, the person to copy, the person whose footsteps you want to follow in. Dave was good, that is certain. And that is something everyone who knew him would agree on.

But a room full of jurors don’t get to meet or know a dead man. And it is certain that the lawyers of John DuPont were going to keep him as far away from doing anything that may portray his true character. So all the people who knew Dave had to hide whatever these mysteries of Foxcatcher were in order to see an evil man burn in prison. That’s why we have prisons right? Not to see people helped and returned to society, but to protect us from evil. One evil gets passed onto another and another. It gets changed in someone who was corrupted and it destroys people and communities. John DuPont was pure evil.

Fortunately for the world, John DuPont died in Prison this year, 15 years after he committed this atrocity. If only we could have seen him put in prison before he committed the crime, just for being a monster, perhaps that would have saved the world of wrestling.

Their story seems to mirror another story in Olympic history, that of Alcibiades and Socrates. Plato, the student of Socrates, was an Olympic wrestling champion. Alcibiades, on the other hand, bred horses that competed in the chariot games. Alcibiades, the son of aristocracy, was noted for the evil nature he had, as is mentioned in Thucydides’s history of the Peloponnesian war. But more than anything, Plato’s symposium seems to reenact a pretty good idea of what good vs. evil looks like. Evil wants to control. Good springs outward like a fountain, bringing life to everything around it. It’ll set you free.

Drugs are not evil, sex is not evil, money is not evil. Even anger and violence are not evil. They have a time and place, but they need to be controlled. If they control you, you are bound to do evil – to your body, to your spirit, and to the world. It is your will that will do good, when it is in control.

When Dave Schultz was murdered, it was like wrestling itself was killed. Consider this: at the time, Jim Scherr was CEO of USA Wrestling.  Jim trained with Team Foxcatcher and was close friends with Dave Schultz. In fact, he and his brother moved up weight classes so Dave and Mark could both make the Olympic teams with them in 1988. That’s only one person. Dave affected everyone. Lots of people’s lives seem to fall apart when Dave died.

USA Wrestling signed John DuPont on (as a source of influence) only a little bit after it’s inception. It had that influence of corruption trying to control them since their birth. If you want to see the results of something like that, look at a child who’s been abused. Usually he or she has a bundle of issues. But it’s also true that the twisted and gnarled tree  that grows to be the strongest. This organization still exists, it still has these flaws from years of growing out of shape stuck inside it. Perhaps it can become stronger than ever. However, changing employees will not change the organization. In fact, the organization is much bigger, so it will shape and twist people into a character that blends with it’s own.

Something’s wrong in USA Wrestling. Everyone keeps saying that. And I don’t think it has anything to do with marketing or selling wrestling on any level. I believe it’s a deep emotional problem, something that needs to be overcome in a non-traditional way.

Wrestling is growing. More people love it. There is so much good that can come from it. But so much was lost when Dave Schultz was. People seem to think he will never come back. I promise, just do good – learn what is good and nurture it – and his spirit’s still here. I don’t think he ever really left. I never met him, but the more I hear, the more it seems like I have.

Stepping out

I never really said anything too publicly about why I left the Olympic Training Center. In fact, even people I’d consider my close friends don’t know what I was thinking. Some of them heard I was kicked out. This I would correct. I chose to leave. It was before I was asked to leave, which may or may not have happened. I could’ve smoothed things over had I shown a sincere desire too. But I had the farthest thing from a sincere desire to smooth things over.  And I knew this, so yes sooner or later I would’ve been asked to leave. I knew this the day I said I wanted to organize athletes. I am certain something, or everything, is wrong with that organization, ethically, principally, structurally, wrong – and I opposed it. It bothered me more than losing, and it gave me a type of irreconcilable anger that was greater than I could handle. Which is why I left.

So this is how I’ve come to accept it all, what I believe to be the case. While I was living there I trained under Brandon Slay for about a year and a half. The other half year, Zeke Jones ran about a third of the practices and Bill Zadick ran the others. I liked Bill a lot as a coach, I felt like I worked well with him. He is a very patient person and he’s overall a great coach. Zeke was always more concerned about the National Team since it was his job, but before the 2009 trails he was anticipating seeing me on the National Team. Zeke is very ambitious and has a lot of ideas. A lot of times athletes would talk about the camps being overly ambitious. I mean, if Zeke could have us wrestle 8 matches competition live in a day, that’s what he would have us do. Everyone would get between 4 and 5 matches in, but Zeke would still keep the bar up there, it’s just who he is. But when Slay came in, I was really his responsibility. He was the Head Resident Coach, and we butted heads.

The way I’ve come to see it is that we are just very, very different people. Coach Slay would mention he was from Amarillo, Texas and it got me thinking – that has got to be a really backward place, haha. Actually I know nothing about it. But he would tell us some of his core principals in his speeches. One of the things he said was “listen to your parents, teachers, elders and authority figures.” and it always drove me a little insane. I’d always think it’s not a message that applies to everyone. Coach Slay always talks about his deep faith, but I don’t know. I mean, I have faith, but didn’t see it the same way as him. So I never quite understood Coach Slay, and I had a feeling he never quite understood me. That made it very hard to have a successful relationship that we could both benefit from. Coach Slay seemed to want the best for me and a few times suggested I should look for a situation that suits me better. He knew we weren’t a good fit, as well as I did.

So, it was best that I left the training center. But while I was there, I think I gained a lot. More than anything, a lot of learning about myself and a vision of everything I don’t want to have in my life. And a vision of the past, for wrestling and sport as a whole.

A new season

Seeing as I come back in October, I have been getting really excited to wrestle again. I am almost certain I will be a little out of shape. This job has not provided good opportunities to exercise (with the time to rest and recover). I honestly have no idea how normal people tolerate lives of little to no vigorous exercise. I can’t wait to get back into one.

I am excited in looking for a coaching job. I would really like one, if I don’t find one, I have absolutely no idea what to do. That being said, coaching also provides more responsibilities and a split mindset. So I am going to have to master that beast. But overall it will be way better than the situation I experienced here. I get to wrestle, which is what I really need. I don’t want to be angry or frustrated about USAW and the USOC, but it’s something that does bother and intimidate me. I don’t want to think about dealing with them but I plan on competing and winning.

So the next question is: can I win? And the answer is, duh! yes, I can win. I am sure I can win. As impressed as I am by other athletes, I can’t imagine anything unstoppable or unmovable, and I also see all these openings to win, as I always seem to. I think that’s why I can always make progress. I see where people are weak as well as where they are strong. The one thing is, I have to be in a type of shape where there are no distractions at all physically, and a type of confidence that there are no distractions mentally. Confidence is being able to put the distraction of knowing yourself too well out of your own way. No mistakes and I can win. I have the strength, speed, and technical skills for the weight I want to go.

It’s a new season. Both for wrestling and coaching. I can’t wait to get back. I want to have a team again, that was something I hated about the OTC. My first tournament looks to be the Sunkist Kids. No reason I can’t win it.

Jordan Burroughs – the wildcard.

I probably watched Jordan Burroughs wrestle sometime while I was in college. He would’ve been a young guy. I still have yet to meet him personally or wrestle with him. But we wrestled Nebraska once my senior year. I don’t remember if I paid much attention to Burroughs wrestle then. It must not have been that memorable. (If you don’t know yet, he just won the World Championships.)

But I noticed him wrestle at nationals against Mike Poeta. That was memorable. Something about that match just made it clear: there was nothing Poeta could do to win that match. And Mike Poeta is good, very good. Burroughs was just that good. I watched that match intensely.

I have been following wrestling as much as possible lately and Jordan Burroughs was really someone I had absolutely no idea about. I watched his interviews and matches, probably more than any other guy. Mainly because I wanted to get an answer to the question: is he really that good?

He kept doing these double legs that seem slow but once he got his hands on a leg, you’d think the other guy was weak or untalented. It was the craziest thing. And he’d rarely stray from his double leg. The way he would get into it too. It just made me want to slap my head and tell his opponent “stop reaching idiot.” That being said, he made people look stupid. And while watching this I’d have to convince myself that this guy he’s wrestling, made it to the finals of a major tournament, or was invited to an international dual meet, and is very very good. That’s how I decided Burroughs was good.

Not to mention he has the right attitude. You know listening to Cael, Cael made it clear he was in his coaching position and that was his priority. Flo wrestling was digging for an answer for him to say “I’ve been training my ass off.” and he was honest. His answer sounded more like “that’s not in my power” or “I don’t have the opportunity”. Burroughs said he was drinking the koolaid, with a heap of optimism.

I honestly thought the freestlye team would do better. Several people came close. Tervel, Cael, especially Simmons. I should view Cael taking 5th as a godsend, like I asked for. So I need to get prepared to capitalize. I thought the team would come together more. I thought it was a strong team. I figured there would be a few golds and a medal or two otherwise. I had envisioned Burroughs picking up on the enthusiasm. I guess I was wrong about that. That dude led the way.

Great job Jordan Burroughs, you are The Man!

Good luck Cael

Today some of my students showed me a photo of myself with my hands raised in the air, holding the hands of two Iranians with medals around our necks. I wondered where they found it but I think it’s the first thing that comes up when you Google my name. It’s nice to know they appreciate what I do.

In high school, I had a wheaties box with a picture of Cael Sanderson on my desk and a T-shirt he had signed for me hanging by my bed. There was a poster of Alexander Karelin on my wall too, with the train like a madman quote he had. It’s quite a famous poster. Searching through American’s wrestling site, I noticed I could buy a picture of Mark Cody or American athletes. They were quite expensive. And for a second I thought “who would buy those?” But it’s obvious. I would, if I was over 40 and making more than $100,000 a year. (which seems likely sooner than later to me.)

I doubt there are many people with a photo of me or anything signed by me in there rooms. I can’t remember signing many autographs, maybe something with a group of wrestlers or Olympic athletes. Although people do ask how and what I am doing because they know I do plan on continuing my career as a wrestler, and it is something to be inspired about. Maybe they are only people who know of me because they are from Illinois, nevertheless, someone is waiting to see me succeed.

Even if wrestling has no fan base except the group of people that are directly involved in one way or another, that’s very significant. I had a picture of Cael in my room in high school. I’m a lot older now, and he might as well be my grandfather, haha (ok he’s not that old) But I’m weighing 88 kgs. I have to wrestle 84 now because I’m too small for 96. If I plan to beat him, I can’t worry about all the people cheering for him from now until the Olympics. I should say “Good luck Cael, I’m cheering for you at Worlds.” But with the way the rules are designed this year for the next Olympics, nobody in a weight class should want the starter to win a medal at the world championships. It’s kind of sad you have to cheer against your own hero in your own best interest.

I’ll miss Korea

It’s been a while since I last wrote. School started again last week and my schedule now is hellish. I have a full schedule on Mondays and Wednesdays. I’m not going to miss this job position at all. I also realized something – there is no such thing as a substitute teacher in Korea. Which makes me say – Man! fucking Korea! Seriously. We get three sick days in our contracts. And if your sick, the other teachers are supposed to cover for you. So these sick days aren’t even reasonable. What they really mean is “Don’t be sick – but in case you ever are, the contract allows for it – 3 times” hahaha WTF.

That being said, I might leave early and this is what made me reflect on the reality that the concept of a substitute teacher never reached Korea. The last teacher apparently left in July, whereas I arrived in November (shows you how desirable a position at a school in the middle of nowhere is). During this period the other teachers had to cover for this gap. If I left I’d be sacrificing some pay, but I had considered leaving early before I arrived anyways, because the Sunkist Kids tourney is in October and it’s an Olympic trails qualifier. I haven’t had a great training situation and the sooner I get back the better.  If I could’ve afforded a ticket out of here the day I arrived and found out what I was told about having a chance to train was bullshit, I might have.

Outside of this job, I have a life here though. There are plenty of people I know. There are things I like to do out here. There are routines I am in, and food I like to eat. There is a good chance at a totally fulfilling, happy life. I like Korea. Korea is alright by me. The people are nice, the culture has  good qualities that have made it stand the test of time. It might actually be a little strange to think I can’t just stop in a building for saunaing, hot tubs and cold tubs, and a massage. And I hope to live in another place that’s beautiful next. I really like to look over the ocean from the top of a mountain. It’s quite a powerful feeling.

I had an awesome time during the summer vacation. Warm weather and freedom can do wonders for the soul. I saw Gyeongju and stayed at Gulguksa Temple, a martial arts temple, for a few days. I went to a waterpark in gyeongju and ran into a friend from Team MAD, which made me realize how many people I’ve actually met here. I seem to run into people all around Korea. (Oh I ran into a friend I made at the temple too) I visited a friend in Seoul after that. When I came back I headed to Team MAD during the week and competed in beach wrestling on the weekend. My weekends are always enjoyable. When I first got here, I dreaded them because I didn’t know what to do. Then I started to just go out where ever I could find someone to speak English to. Now, I have to consider sparingly how I’ll spend them. That’s how it’s been for about the past 6 months. Korea has grown on me.

I’m so busy now, I don’t think I’ll have much time to write. I’ll only write 8 more entries. That’ll give me 200, to suppress my OCD of setting some type of goal and completing it. And I’ll make those 8 about wrestling. I need to get in full health and the right mindset fast. I know I have the skills, but right now, I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do. And with any luck, I’ll be an assistant coach at American in 2 months. So I won’t get caught in this messy situation again.

Listening to understand

In grade school my teachers used to ask me if I needed notes pinned to my chest to remember things. Yes, I said. Please do that. I would wear the note around with pride. I have to remember to do this by tomorrow.

I knew then as I do now that this was not meant to be offensive. It wasn’t an insult that I might need special attention this way. Just as when teachers say, often times sarcastically, “Do you need a personal invitation” – yes I do. I don’t think the teachers who say it sarcastically really understand. I need a personal invitation. Please make it a written one if possible.

Teaching English as a second language, I see how people can get confused about things that could be considered relatively simple English. “What do you do?” and “What are you doing?” are two completely different questions. And if you don’t know what they sound like, it may be difficult to answer them correctly.

Likewise we all encounter, in our own native languages, things that just don’t strike a chord with our understanding. It is assumed we understand because we speak the language – or because the idea may be relatively simple. But if you’re like me, and you don’t have excellent listening skills, you may not understand. Why are my listening skills bad? It may be that I’m caught in lala land all day. Or maybe it’s that a small change in a speech pattern throws me off. Or maybe it’s that I’m always anticipating what I’m expecting to hear. Anyways, I need a note, and a personal invitation.

Just in case your like me, it’s a good thing to note that all these things are able to be overcome. You can learn to hear two conversations at once and still process both. You can learn to comprehend despite pitch and volume. You can anticipate with a wider range of options, and with more certainty about the character of the individual or situation. And in lala land, well, you can gain an awareness of the messages being communicated without anyone speaking.

Testing my kids listening comprehension, I have to think about my own English education which included none of this. And I have to ask “Why?” Why on Earth do teachers take for granted that we will be able to understand a movie but that we need to read in school. When I was younger I found myself always asking “What’s happening?” to other people during movies. I am better at it now, I don’t know exactly how I improved (I think it was through college), but I do think my listening skills may still not be the best. I believe that even in schools where English is the only language, emphasis needs to be placed on listening comprehension above reading and writing.